Upon receiving a deadly message I thought:

اجلس في الخارج
على اريكتي المفضلة
مع اشعة الشمس المنتظرة
طيور المدينة ضائعة الحال
و حالي من حالها معك

اريد المستحيل مثلها
ان ارجع الى الماضي
قبل الضجيج قبل الانسان
قبل البنايات و انتحار الاشجار

السيارات تمر و الناس الى اشغالهم
وشغلي منتظر رد المكالمات
من اين لي ان اكون من هذا العالم
لأرغب بغد افضل, اكبر, اكثر

انا كطيور المدينة مهجرة من بيئتي
اغرد و لا احد يفهمني
اضعت طريق النحل
لغتي لحني و حبيبي

يا اصحابي في مملكة الذبان
بعد اقتسامكم لحم جثماني
ردوني الى زمن النسيان
ميلو الى مسقط رأسي
زورو بلادا تعبد الشمس و الرمان

و طالما دمتم على هذا المشوار
آتيكم بالشكر و أوراق من الأشعار
اجدتم فاصقتم عني هذي الأجنحة
لأن لا نفع للكتابة من بعد القبر
و لا نفع للطيران في الظلمة

Inspired by Darwish's poetry as sung by تصبحون على وطن _مارسيل خليفة

عندما يصحو البوم انهض
اكف النهار عني و اطير
اسقي نومي باحلام المستحيل
و اشرب الممكن من نهدي


ابسط اجنحتي افك قيودي
ادق مع تموج موسيقى القلبٍ
و اغمض عيناني مؤمن ان الحياة ستدفعني
وان كان للامكان فهدا وعدي

Easterisms

I am going to church today. To my lady of lebanon downtown. I have not stepped into a church for 5 years. During that period, I have been vehemently blasphomous.

Disclaimer: this does not mean I am Christian. I am merely using the church for my purposes, which would make me a christian accoring to this definition, lol, but im still disclaiming that I am not. Being a catholic christian entails accepting that jesus, the son of god, died on the cross and rose from the dead to forgive our sin. For me it is not a matter of believing that story or another, but instead it is the issue of not caring to care for either or for the consequences imagined for either. I would rather focus on other material and political issues that surround religion, as an institution. I am a social scientist and obsessed with noting the trajectories of power.

But, being human, I ask, what is it about returning to old songs (ان شاء الله القمحة الي انزرعت بقلوبنا) or old smells (بخور) that makes it ok for dem 'social "Scientists" ' to participate in crazy rituals?

Why did it take me so long to admit in public that I am an Arab with Christian family? What is so shameful about liking christian songs (which I thought up to now that I didn't)?

I think I have been obsessed by changing my own politics and convincing my family and friends that I am totally dedicated to an anti-imperialist socialist project that it became important to represent myself as an emotionally awake but religiously amnesiac person. This sucks! and now that I am dedicated to a no-bullshit project (more on that later), I am interested in the truth as I see it now and the truth is that I still cry to some christian songs that remind me of my childhood and that it is fucking ok to go to church and that this does not have to be a secret mission. It has never been cool to be a christian arab, which is how i was read as i grew up in jordan. I will not accept disclaiming all my life to preserve those sanctified images of an activist or social thinker.

Disclaimers aside, no shame, I am going to church. Wish me luck